


Just Keep Breathing

by firstdegreefangirl



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Jim is just the sweetest, Mac and Jim friendship, Mild Language, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-20
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 04:58:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5772196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstdegreefangirl/pseuds/firstdegreefangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It becomes a pattern faster than Jim would like.  They go to bed, a few hours later Mac wakes up and starts breathing hard. Some nights she gets him up, frantically beating his shoulder until he bolts upright in bed. Most nights, he just knows that something is off. He rubs her back and shoulders, talks her through her breathing. He holds her and they fall back asleep. </p><p>**This is not a romantic work. They are friends. Got it? Just friends.**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 3:26 on a Wednesday Morning

**Author's Note:**

> So I was rewatching "The 112th Congress" for roughly the 500th time and took particular notice to the scene where Jim helps Maggie with her panic attack on the balcony. He mentioned that "some of the guys" from Peshawar struggled with anxiety and I got to thinking about if it were MacKenzie. Then I wrote another Jim/Maggie panic attack story and kept thinking about this. So I wrote it too.
> 
> It's chaptered for continuity, but the entire work is being uploaded at once.
> 
> I own nothing but a Macbook.

It isn’t unusual for Jim to be woken in the middle of the night, so late that it’s technically early. It isn’t unusual for Jim to be woken by screams. It isn’t unusual for Jim to be woken by Mackenzie. But it is unusual for Jim to be woken up at 3:26 on a Wednesday morning by Mackenzie screaming next to him.

“Mac?” Jim bolts up in bed, trying to remember if he wore pants to bed, before he realizes he doesn’t care.

_We’re in a war zone. She could literally be dying and I’m worried about_ pants _? Geez, way to be a prude, Harper._

(His feet hit the floor, heels catching the hem of his sweats.)

“Mackenzie?” She’s sitting upright now, eyes wide as her chest heaves. It doesn’t really look like Mac is focusing on anything; she seems to be in another world.

“Mac, Mac breathe. You gotta breathe for me.”

Jim realizes that he’s starting to panic because Mackenzie is panicking. She looks in his direction, almost through him, eyes watery and scared.

“Mac, hey. Can you breathe with me?” Jim doesn’t really know what to do, but he knows people are supposed to breathe. And that breathing isn’t supposed to be shallow and raggedy. He squats down by her bed and starts taking exaggerated, deep breaths, encouraging her to latch onto his rhythm.

She doesn’t, and the next thing Jim knows, Mac is hyperventilating. He’s scared to death she’s going to pass out. She’s scared to death about God only knows what, and there’s no one else around. He’s on his own.

_Paper bags. People use those when they hyperventilate, right?_

Jim looks around, but he isn’t surprised that they don’t have lunch sacks just sitting out.

When he looks back at Mackenzie, she’s pulled her knees up to her chest and is shaking. She doesn’t, however, appear to be breathing at all.

“Mac, you gotta breathe. C’mon. In… out… in… out… You’re alright, everything is okay. You’re _safe_.” Jim tentatively sets a hand on Mac’s back, resting it there gently.

He can feel her body rising and falling under his palm, and lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

_It’s remarkable how contagious this seems._ Jim notes, taking a moment to recompose his breathing. Obviously, the worst thing he could possibly do is start panicking himself. Then they’d both be left without help.

He uses his hand to trace patterns on Mackenzie’s back. First lines, down her spine, then back up. Next, he draws circles before settling into a kind of figure-eight pattern.

“Mac, just focus on my hand, okay? Focus on my voice. I’m right here, you’re okay. I’m not gonna let anything hurt you.”

Jim can feel Mac starting to relax. He lifts himself up to sit next to her on the bed, the hand on her back never stilling.

As quickly as it starts, it’s over. Mac slumps against Jim’s bare chest, exhausted, and starts sobbing. Almost automatically, his arms circle her and he rubs one hand up and down her arm.

“Hey… hey… You alright?” Jim tries to maintain a soft, soothing tone, but he can’t really tell; he’s still freaking out a little himself.

Mackenzie starts trying to fist a hand into the t-shirt Jim isn’t wearing, given the humid summer heat. He slides one of his hands into hers, thumb stroking the back of her hand.

“Mac? You wanna talk to me?”

“Jim…” she chokes out between sobs.

“Good! You’re alright. You’re safe. I promise. Mac I wouldn’t lie to you about this. Keep breathing.”

Mac’s sobbing gradually subsides, leaving her shaking and exhausted on Jim’s chest.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“We… we were doing the show. And something went wrong. All of a sudden where you were supposed to be, there was no one. And then he was there. Jim, I _died_ right in front of him. I had to watch him get hurt in the worst way possible, all over again.”

“Mac…” Jim honestly doesn’t know what to say ( _what can you say?_ ), so he just tightens his hold on her shoulders.

“God, it sounds so stupid. I mean, I know that he isn’t here. I know that he’s safe. And I _think_ we’ll be okay,” that’s something Mac and Jim agreed upon from day one. No one was making any empty promises or telling any lies. No “I promise we’ll make it out of here alive” or “it’s fine, I’m not scared.” They were on the same team, and there’s no sense in hiding those feelings when someone is right there to help. “But, Jim, it doesn’t help. I can keep busy enough during the day, doing the news, but there’s nothing there at night.”

“Shh… It’s alright, Mac. Now, what say we try to get some more sleep now and talk about this in, say, three hours when we have to be awake?”

“Oh god, Jim, I didn’t mean to wake you this early. Yes. Go back to bed. I’ll probably get up and do something, but you should sleep.”

“Mac, that isn’t what I meant. I’m not leaving you like this. Just close your eyes.” Jim shifts them both to a half-sitting position and tightens his hold around her.

Neither of them say anything when they wake up like that, three hours later. Not just about what happened overnight; they get ready in silence. It’s an awkward morning, to say the least, and it peaks right as they’re heading out to the field for the day.

“Jim?” Mac says softly, stopping him at the door. He turns to face her. “I- I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t- mean to wake you.”

“Mac, it’s fine. I’ve been there and I know how hard it can be. You shouldn’t have to go through it alone. It’s- it’s easier when someone’s there to help you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”


	2. Bright Tuesday Morning

It becomes a pattern faster than Jim would like. They go to bed, a few hours later Mac wakes up and starts breathing hard. Some nights she gets him up, frantically beating his shoulder until he bolts upright in bed. Most nights, he just knows that something is off. He rubs her back and shoulders, talks her through her breathing. He holds her and they fall back asleep.

Neither of them mentions it in the morning. Until they have to.

It’s a bright morning. Tuesday, Jim thinks, but maybe not. It gets harder and harder to remember the little details, lost to the depths of his mind. The heat is dry, to the point where it almost feels suffocating, but still he wears a button-down dress shirt. It’s what he’s used to.

Jim is bent over a camera, tinkering with the settings, when Private Juarez comes up behind him, panting with exertion.

“Hey, Harper!”

“Yeah, Mateo?”

“Mac, she’s- she’s breathin’ all funny. Looks like a deer in the headlights or something. We think she’s tryin’ to say your name.”

Jim sets the camera down, faster than is strictly necessary, and is on his feet.

“Where?”

“She started in the field over there,” Mateo points behind where Jim had been working. “But we took her to the tents. Thought she’d like some privacy.”

“Thanks, Juarez.” Jim takes off before he can hear if there’s a reply.

Jim makes himself slow down as he approaches the tent. _There’s no sense in scaring her even more_ , he thinks as he struggles to turn his run into a walk. He can hear her sobbing on the other side of the flap.

“Mac? Mac, it’s okay. I’m here. Everything is okay.” Jim instantly drops to his knees at her side, like he’s done so many times now. “C’mon, Mac. You gotta breathe for me.” He sets his breathing rhythm, loud and slow, but it’s almost totally ineffective. Jim sets his hand inside one of hers.

“Mac, squeeze my hand if you can hear me,” The squeeze is brief, but it’s there. It’s also strong, showing every ounce of Mackenzie’s bravery. Jim rests his other hand on her back; he can feel her shaking under him.

“Mac,” he sighs “you’ve gotta breathe. Here we go. In…2…3…4… Out…2…3…4…” he counts off several breaths, until it seems that the danger of passing out has gone. “You’re doing great Mac. Just like that. Keep going. Perfect!” Jim praises her, rubbing her shoulders.

He knows what comes next, and is ready to catch her when she droops from exhaustion.

With Jim holding her, whispering comforts in her ears, Mackenzie thinks for the first time since she started work at CNN that everything really will be okay.


	3. In the Rundown Room

The next time Jim is really worried by one of Mackenzie’s attacks, they’re standing in the rundown room at ACN. He pulled her away from the crowd before it could get too bad.

_Best to let her keep a little dignity; it is her first day here._

They find themselves on a balcony. Jim gives himself a half of a half second to admire the view, before turning his attention back to Mackenzie. She’s sitting against the wall, knees tucked up to her chest. It occurs to Jim as he looks down at her just how small Mac looks from this angle, how broken.

“Mac, c’mon. Breathe. You’ve gotta breathe.” Jim grabs her ankles and gently tugs until her feet are stretched out in front of her. Next, he draws her hands away from her chest and gently rubs her wrists. Her pulse is threatening to make the veins burst clear out of her skin, and Jim honestly isn’t sure how to help her.

He tries whatever he can think of. Finally, she ends up with her head resting on Jim’s thighs, his hands running gently through her hair as he whispers comforts to her. Before Jim realizes she’s calmed down, Mackenzie is asleep.

He emails the blonde one – Maggie, he thinks, but he has bigger worries right now – to let her know that they’re on the balcony and will be until further notice. Jim doesn’t tell her what’s going on, he figures it’s Mac’s right to decide who knows this, but sure enough, the blonde comes to investigate.

“Jim?” she asks tentatively, stepping onto the balcony with them.

“Yeah?"

“Is she- okay? Like in the head?” It’s clear from Maggie’s face that she knows this should be taboo. But Jim figures he could use someone else on his side.

“No. She gets real bad panic attacks sometimes. Has since we were embedded. When they get bad enough, I’m the only one who can calm her down.”

Maggie hums noncommittally. “So, is there anything between you? Not that it matters. I was just asking because- I mean, she must trust you a lot, if you can calm her down like that.”

“It’s nothing romantic, but yeah, we’re close. Hundreds of nights in the same tent will do that. We were there with the same goal, so we always had each other’s backs. The military guys looked out for us too, but they had their own stuff to do. Mac and I learned to stick together. Usually I can tell when she starts to get an attack and head it off, but I guess I missed this one.”

“What sets her off?”

“Really anything startling or unexpected. Once there was a bomb that hit not three miles from where we were and I swear Mac didn’t breathe right for a week. I know it’s a new job, but it still shouldn’t have been this shocking.”

“Yeah. Did you see the look on Will’s face when he walked in? He doesn’t like most people, but this seemed more than that. Like they knew each other already or something.” Maggie looks like she’s trying to put too many pieces together at once; assemble a 1,000-piece puzzle in 10 moves.

“Honestly, I didn’t get to see much of him before I had to go help Mac. But she freaked out right after he got there. You don’t suppose?”

“I don’t know, but they both seemed to freak out when they saw each other. How long is she usually out for?” Maggie gestures back to Mac.

“She’s just asleep now, but anywhere from 15 minutes to three or four hours, depending. This was a rough one, so probably a while, if we don’t stir her.”

“Will wanted to see the new staff in 30. That’s actually why I came to find you two. I can tell him that she’s-“ Jim cuts her off.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll get her up. Probably not great for her to sleep three hours in the middle of the day, anyway.” Jim reaches over to gently shake Mac’s shoulder. “Mac? C’mon, you gotta get up.”

“You’re sure she’s just asleep?'

“Yeah, she gets exhausted when this happens. I keep her from passing out, but there’s not much I can do for this. Just let her sleep it off somewhere safe. Mac?” Jim shakes a little harder and Mackenzie groans.

“Hey, Will wants to see the staff in 30. You gonna be up for that?”

“ _Shit._ ”

“What?” Jim looks at Maggie over Mac’s head.

“That wasn’t just a dream? It really is Will? Will McAvoy?”

“Yeah. Mac? What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” Mac starts to ramble until Jim cuts her off.

“No lies.”

“Fine. You’re right. Remember the guy who drove me to embed?” Jim nods. “Well, it’s him.”

Maggie’s eyes double in size, and she squeaks, finally alerting Mac to her presence.

“Jim, who is this?”

“Margaret Jordan. Maggie. I’m an intern. Jim told me you’d be out here, so I came to see if he needed anything.”

“Oh. Thank you. Maggie listen, this is something I’ve struggled with for years now. Jim’s been great at helping me but-“

“I totally get it. You don’t want everyone to know. Don’t worry; I won’t say a word.”

“Thank you so much. Anyway, Will and I were a thing. It was a long time ago, before I went to Peshawar, but the ending was ugly. I didn’t know he’d be here, and it threw me for a loop. Obviously.” Mac tries to chuckle but just ends up taking a few ragged breaths.

“Easy, there. Let’s not go back down this road,” Jim rubs Mac’s arm again until her breathing evens out. “Mac? The meeting starts in five. You good to go in there or do you want us to talk to Will for you?"

“I’m good. I can do this, right Jim?”

“As long as you keep breathing.”

After that first day at ACN, Jim doesn’t have to help Mac down from any more panic attacks. But he does see Will leading her out on to the balcony every time they break a big story. _He likes that someone else is in her corner._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's that! Comments and kudos are like warm blankets fresh from the dryer!


End file.
